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Tarzan Taught my Mother-in-law to Swim

‘I, having watched one of the old movies which included Jane, Boy and Cheetah or the Ron Ely TV series on a Sunday morning, would run around the house or garden pretending to be Tarzan. This would not involve a loin cloth, but would involve a wooden spoon (which was my knife) tucked into my trousers and me calling to my imaginary jungle friends to help me fight off the baddies.

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Rocking Around the Christmas Tree

‘Given the two near misses with Gill (Scott Heron) and Davy (Jones – The Monkees) we had two bands that we’d not ticked off our list in our sights; The B52s, my girlfriends favourite band ever and Status Quo which it was clear that I would be doing without her.

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Pop Art

‘Then there was the time, at the Tate Modern when we walked through to a room which we thought was empty, as it only had a single light bulb hanging down in it, only to discover that the light bulb was in fact the art installation.

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Marine Boy

How, in that other underwater based boyhood TV programme Stingray, given that it was made in the 60s and included so many marine based and alliterative names; The main characters (from W.A.S.P) were based in Marineville, there was a character called Atlanta, the mermaid was Marina, there was a Sam Shore and the hero was Troy Tempest, had they not thought to include the singer Sandie Shaw (Sandy Shore) especially as she sang Puppet on a String?’

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Final Interview

“Final question, with all of the great stories in the book, have you left anything out?”

“It’s funny you should ask that Frank. I did realise the other day that there’s no mention of when I lived in Margate, where we had pole dancers practice in our lounge, that Ronnie Biggs’ Father-in-law was the headmaster at my first school, or that my girlfriend photographed a dominatrix as part of her photography degree”.

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